Touching ‘Em All

Disclaimer: This was not written by Dan Shaughnessy of the Boston Globe, it is a parody column for the BSMW “Be Dan Shaughnessy” contest.

TOUCHING ‘EM ALL

By Dan Shaughnessy

Picked-up pieces after a threesome with the Sports Gal and Mrs. Bruce Allen…

* Pedro’s return was nothing like Roger Clemens in pinstripes. He was coming home to a place where he belongs, making it more like Chet reuniting with Nat, Marky Mark walking the streets of Dorchester, Patrick Kennedy behind the wheel again.

* Fenway was once again electric and awash with Dominican flags, K-Cards, AND three giant fiberglass Coke bottles strapped to a light tower that rises from the historic Green Monster. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is not your father’s Fenway anymore, and it sickens me. Sickens me. Sickens. Me.

* When you cover the Sox, you’re always looking for new info regarding ancient history. It’s like being a member of the Warren Commission. That said, new details were uncovered last night during a chance encounter with old friend Rich Garces at the concessions stand. According to El Guapo, he battled weight problems throughout his career.

* Hmmmm. JJ Redick in a Celtics uniform. Just thought you’d want to know it’s possible.

* Whenever longtime Sox season ticket-holder Jeff Longnecker walks to his seats in section 19, row 18, he’s treated to a painful reminder of 1918.

* Bruce Allen, get a life. You’re just jealous you’ll never have one of those goofy pencil drawings of yourself on the front page of the sports section. Likewise, Bill Simmons. Take off your pajamas and go interview someone besides your buddy Hench.

* Why do I think the trading deadline, for the Red Sox AND Astros, is going to be huge?

* Speaking of huge, what happened to Gabe Kapler? There’s a feel of McCarthyism around the park these days. Fans see that his calves are smaller and wonder. It stinks.

* While we’re at it, what’s up with Peter King? Is he off the juice too? His sudden weight loss — a long time ago — is alarming. That’s one of the things I think I think. I think.

* Clemens could take the hill against Pedro again in the postseason. And with a likely 8:05pm start, the scoreboard clock would read “19:18″ during warm-ups if the park switched from regular to military time. Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up.

* Pedro Martinez — who has made a career out of showing up late for work — reported to the park five hours early. Why can’t John Henry & Co. get employees like that?

* Did Capri pants ever go out of style? They were everywhere last night. Thanks, Nadal.

* Anyone not rooting for Agassi at Wimbeldon? I’m not, but I will at the US Open.

* There were no 28-inch mascot sightings at the Fens. Nelson de la Rosa hasn’t spoken to Pedro since they shared a Red Sox victory float. Here’s hoping the little guy is hanging with Bronson Arroyo, the REAL king of the senior circuit. Hey, why can’t we get players like that? And why does Bob Lobel think he invented that phrase? Please. It’s not like he’s a Knight of the Keyboard or anything. You’d be nothing without Liz Walker, slick.

* Doug Flutie, who was at the game, might need Botox to get back that youthful glow. Barely recognizable, he’s aged 20 years since making the worst decision in the history of the world. Come out of retirement, Doug. You need us and we need you.

* Pedro hasn’t thrown over 100 pitches since May, and last night was no different. Oh, I know. He’s probably resting up for that taxing trip to the Dominican during the All-Star break. After all, the more things change, the more they stay the same…

Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. His e-mail address is dshaughnessy@globe.com

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