Pedro’s Back? Much Ado About Nothing
Disclaimer: This was not written by Dan Shaughnessy of the Boston Globe, it is a parody column for the BSMW “Be Dan Shaughnessy” contest.
Pedro’s Back? Much Ado About Nothing
By Dan Shaughnessy, Globe Staff | June 23, 2006
BOSTON - And so Red Sox Nation, he’s back and the question on top of every fan’s mind from Bangor to Brockton is “shall I cheer him or boo him?” Here’s your answer: do nothing; do absolutely nothing. He’s not worth your time. He left here 19 months ago and all the Franconamen have accomplished since is capture an AL East title and the sons of Tito are racing towards yet another title.
While the winning remains the one constant, much has changed in the 19 months since Pedro last donned the uniform of the Boston Club of the American League. Gone are the self-proclaimed idiots. Except for mindless Manny, a kinder and gentler Red Sox have emerged. Welcome the gentrified Mike Lowell and home-grown stars in waiting like Mssrs Pablebon, Lester, and Youklis. There is excitement in the air and Red Sox Nation is just as well without Him.
You might point out that the Red Sox could use a pitcher of Pedro’s caliber right about now. Don’t get caught up in that line of thinking. Tito’s boys have won 7 straight. Mssrs Henry, Lucchino and Epstein did exactly the right thing in letting Pedro walk. (Disclaimer: And I’m not just saying that because the Globe is owned by the New York Times Co., which owns 17 percent of the Red Sox.)
Pitching in the National League makes any journeyman pitcher, which Pedro had become, look like an ace. When you move from the American League to the National League, you can automatically slice two runs of your ERA. Just ask Red Sox castoff Bronson Arroyo who has gone from expendable spare part to Cy Young candidate in three short months. (Hang your heads in shame John Henry and Theo, the Brookline Boy Wonder, for letting Bronson go; the Red Sox could use a pitcher of his caliber right about now. As we wait for the Red Sox season to implode, all we have is a useless hamate bone to show for that trading blunder.)
Pedro did not always reside on the Dark Side. When he first arrived in Boston, he seemed like a loveable character. Not to mention he was lights out on the mound. But by the time “He Who Must Not be Named” failed to take him out of the infamous 2003 playoff game against the Yankees, the luster had worn off and his diva like attitude and cantankerous personality called to mind one Jurassic Carl.
Recently, Red Sox Nation clamored mightily for the return of Rocket Roger. Why has Clemens become such a beloved hero and yet the vile Pedro is Public Enemy #1? It’s because Pedro did not care about you Red Sox Nation. Never did. All he cares about is himself. He craved the money but much more so, he craved the attention. It was always about Pedro and it still is. After 86 years, the Red Sox finally crushed the Curse and two months later (as the Nation basked in its glory), Pedro was out the door, chasing the highest bidder with no shame and no remorse, conveniently forgetting all the love he had been shown for the six previous years. Pedro doesn’t care about you, Red Sox Nation. Return the favor. Show you don’t care about him. When Pedro steps on the Fenway Park mound tonight, do absolutely nothing.
A Yankee Fan 7:41 pm on June 28, 2006 | #
Really good, except what year did the Franconamen win an AL East title? Last time I checked it was 8 straight AL East crowns and counting. Even Dan would get that right.
A Red Sox Fan 10:55 pm on June 28, 2006 | #
The Franconamen (co)won the AL East last year
Mr. Shaughhnessy 8:26 pm on June 29, 2006 | #
The Franconamen did not win the AL East last year. They finished with the same record as that team from New York, but due to arcane trivialities within the tie-breaker system (something about the Yankees having a superior head-to-head record (as if that matters!)) they were cheated of their crown, which was instead thrust upon the head of the bombastic septugenarian who meddles with the leadership of the Empire that is Evil.